My Interview with TELL Magazine

I did an interview with TELL magazine earlier in the year, and I was really honoured to be featured in the edition for last week! You can read the attachment, or go HERE to read the full magazine from the TELL website.

Special thanks to Tundun Adeyemo, who did the interview.

Poem - All That She Is

When you marry a woman

You marry the little girl she used to be

The girl with a sense of fun

The girl with a penchant for mischief

The little girl who had dreams of Prince Charming

The little girl who had no restrictions in her imagination

The girl whose love was pure and innocent

The girl whose eyes sparkled like stars

The girl who played with her mum’s make up and trinkets

The girl who couldn’t wait to grow older

Whose cute dimples, belied the confidence beneath the exterior

When you marry a woman

You marry the teenager she used to be

The one who was curious about life and everything

The one who formed her opinions, and changed them again

The one who wrestled with expectations and priorities

The one who tested the boundaries

The one who struggled and started making mistakes

As she started discovering who she really was

Physically, mentally, emotionally and socially

While trying to balance what others expected her to be.

When you marry a woman

You marry her in the prime of her youth

When her beauty is radiant

When her curves are supple and appealing

And she bears your children

You marry a woman with strengths and weaknesses

You marry a friend who has your back

You marry someone who will build with you

With her strength and courage

You marry someone who is increasingly confident about her abilities

Even as she worries whether she is doing a good job

Being a wife, mother, daughter and friend

When you marry a woman

You marry the person she will become

In her later years, her lessons learnt

Even though her outward beauty will fade

But her inner spirit remains radiant

Maturing everyday like fine wine

She has gathered experience over the years

She has learnt to temper her words with wisdom

She has learnt to take the thorns with the roses

She has learnt to pick her battles

And she has rearranged her priorities

When you marry a woman

You discover more about her everyday

Because she is always evolving

Time passes, and the seasons change

But you will always learn something new about her

She will never stop amazing you

She is woman

(c) Tolulope Popoola

Published on Femme Lounge

On Life: Domestic Staff

I've been thinking about the way the vast majority of middle and upper class Nigerians treat their domestic staff - people like housemaids, gatemen,/security men, drivers, gardeners and so on. The other day, I was discussing the issue with some friends and we all agreed that, in general, they were treated in an appalling way.

From what I've observed, they are treated like second-class citizens in the homes where they work. They often don't share the same living quarters with the rest of the family. Or they are given the worst spaces possible. They use a different set of utensils to eat, for some reason. They are given cast-offs of the children's clothes to wear.

Then they are spoken to in awful ways. Sometimes I would visit a friend and she would be speaking with me nicely and politely, and then turn around to use a harsh and intimidating tone on her housemaid, and call her abusive names. I don't understand it. Sure you can use a firm tone when you are giving instructions to an employee but is there a need for the constant stream of abuse? Would any of us take that kind of attitude from our managers at the office?

Which brings me to my next point. Domestic staff have little or no employment rights. They don't have regular working hours, due to the nature of their work. They also don't have any benefits. They don't have holidays, they don't get days off, they don't have anything called a social life. They don't get sick days off or sick pay. Sometimes they don't go to school and can't learn any skill while they are working for their masters. I'm sure none of us professional ladies would ever imagine working for a company that didn't give us any time off or holidays, or allow us any social life. We would protest, but we give the same treatment to our own employees. I have even heard women complaining bitterly when it's Christmas time, and their maid wants to take a couple of weeks off to go and visit her family. It's almost like, she's not human and she doesn't need time off to go and see her family. Never mind that madam has time off from her own job so that she can enjoy her Christmas holiday.

Furthermore, the physical violence towards them is just horrible. Women who won't raise a hand to strike their own children seem to see no qualms in beating their maids to a pulp at the slightest offence. For some reason, the maid always deserves a beating whenever she makes a mistakes, whereas their children do worse things, but they don't get beaten. Why? What makes it different? Would any of us tolerate physical abuse at work? Why do we think it is okay to hit our domestic staff?

The funny thing is that these mistreatments are not limited to any type of woman. I have witnessed women from all spheres of life mistreating their domestic staff. Even women who should know better, like pastor's wives, lawyers or human right's activists. We can speak out against so many injustices in the world, but for some reason, we turn a blind eye to the ones we do right under our nose.

We can argue that we can't trust them, they are rogues, thieves and what not. But for the amount of money they are paid, and the useful service they provide to us, most of our domestic staff don't get treated well. So of course, they don't have much of an incentive to behave properly. Domestic staff do a very difficult job around the house. They allow many professional women the ability to have a career and a social life. Yet we don't appreciate what they do and the assistance they provide.

Has anyone tried to put themselves in their maid's shoes? Think about it for a moment. You are a young girl who should be in school. But you're taken away from your family and sent to the city to work for a strange family. You could be scared, lonely and homesick, but you have to put all those emotions aside and get on with it. You have to endure working from sunrise to sunset every single day of the week. You must be at the beck and call of your employer at all times. If you are really lucky you will end up working for a nice family that will treat you well. But the majority are treated harshly by everyone in the family - from the madam, to the oga, to the children. And you dare not complain. In fact, who will you complain to? Who will believe you, if you say your madam is mistreating you, or your oga is making sexual advances towards you? The best you can do is to run away. But where does that leave you? Out of a job, broke and lost in a big city. Or worse.

I hope we can all start making some small changes to the way we treat our maids. It may just be a small change we make everyday, but it would make a whole world of difference to someone. I would like to imagine a world where housemaids can point to the time they spent with their madams and say that those years were one of the best times of their lives.

Food for thought.

On Life: Books on My Desk

My books arrived from Amazon! So I've now got six books on my desk to devour. I've already started reading "In Dependence" by Sarah Ladipo Manyika. I might do a review of it when I'm done.

Apart from reading, I've been getting back into the swing of writing again. I've had to abandon my book manuscript for now. I hope to start working on another one very soon. Will keep you all posted.

And finally: I want to apologise to you guys for the closure of our "In My Dreams It Was Simpler" series blog. One of our writers was indisposed, and we were also making some changes to the story. Thanks for being patient with us! The blog has reopened now, and the series would be updated tomorrow so do check it out!

Have a lovely weekend ahead!

FG

On Life: Books Books Books!

This might sound kinda sad, but I'm so excited because I've just bought some books! Lol, I love reading, and now that I'm a writer it's become part of my job to read. My book shelf is now groaning under the weight of stuff, but that won't make me stop buying books! I've been eyeing so many books for a while, my Amazon wish-list has been calling my name, so I just decided to go ahead and treat myself this month.

I bought:

Blonde Roots by Bernardine Evaristo

On Black Sisters' Street by Chika Unigwe

I Do Not Come to You by Chance by Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

In Dependence by Sarah Ladipo Manyika

And finally: In My Dreams It Was Simpler

 (Yep, I bought a copy of our own book! It's for research purposes, lol)

I can't wait for all of them to arrive in the post! I'm eager to bury my head in crisp pages of literature... transporting me to places far away... introducing me to new people... bliss...

I think I'm sorted for the next month or so, but knowing me, I might just buy a few more sooner!

PS: Check out my interview on The Bookaholic Blog! (better late than never)

Enjoy the rest of your week!

FG

I'm Human

I'm Human

If you pinch me, I will react

If you annoy me, I will get angry

If you hurt me, I will cry

If you cut me, I will bleed

After all, I'm only human.

I try to be a better person everyday

Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard

Sometimes I get it right

Sometimes I get it wrong

But it's okay because,

After all, I'm only human

I make mistakes, I have my flaws

I'm not perfect, I'm not pristine

I'm not a robot or a machine

I have emotions that I express

And that's perfectly fine,

Because I'm only human

I'm not an angel, I'm not God

I get tired and irritable

I have moments of strengths

But also moments of weakness

I cannot see the future

I cannot promise not to fail

After all, I'm only human

I will fall, but I will rise

I will do my best once again

I will admit when I'm wrong

I will say sorry when I offend

But this I know for sure

I am only human

(c) FG

On Writing: I Hear Voices

No, I'm not mad.

When I got the rejection letter from the publisher I submitted my novel to last year, I decided to put the manuscript away for a while so that I could get some distance and hopefully clarity on it. I haven't looked at the work since December. Now I'm hearing my characters whispering to me, asking me why I abandoned them for so long. They want me to come and clear up the twists I've left in their lives. One of my protagonists especially, is asking for a slight change in his life. I'm considering it.

Weird, huh? Most fiction writers would know what I'm talking about. It's funny having your own made-up characters come alive and start taking over your sub-conscious. Weird and a bit scary. Anyhow, I love my job, so I'm not complaining. I just wish they would let me do it on my own terms... okay, okay, I've got to go and finish re-writing that chapter...

Take care folks!

PS: Before you go, check out my interview on Femme Lounge

xx

On Life: Imagine Me

I woke up and this Kirk Franklin song was playing over and over in my mind. It got me thinking about the time in my life when I was very timid, shy and insecure person, struggling with low self esteem. I remember those feelings of "not being good enough", "not being pretty enough" and so on clearly. I have vowed that the one thing I will make sure I do when I have children of my own is to instill healthy self-esteem and self-confidence into them from a young age.

If there is anyone who has never had to deal with low self esteem, there are no words to accurately describe the feelings. It's like a huge cloud hanging over you, darkening everything in your mind. It's like a voice whispering in your head constantly - saying that you are not important, you don't matter, you will never be good enough, you can't do anything good, so why bother? It's the critic in your mind that measures you against everyone else and tells you that you fall far short. It's not believing in yourself or your own talents and abilities. It's like a hopeless despair that you don't deserve anything good, so even when good things happen to you, you are questioning them or thinking they cannot last. It's blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life. It's hating yourself and wishing you could be someone else - anyone just as long as it's not you. It's looking up to someone else to define who are and what you can be. It's settling for less because you don't believe you deserve more. It's not knowing your value and worth.

Need I go on? It's awful, awful awful, and I know this because I went through it. And my heart goes out to anyone who is struggling with these issues. A lot of problems we face in our lives and relationships can be traced to these issues. Why do some women stay with abusive partners? Because they don't think they deserve better. Why do some people give up on their dreams? Because they don't believe they have what it takes to succeed.

I can't but be very thankful to God everyday for bringing me out of that twisted way of thinking about myself. Every time I remember, I say "Thank You God because I am not who I used to be some years ago". It wasn't easy but I am sooooo glad that I have gotten over that negative way of thinking about myself - who I am, whose I am and what I am capable of. And I could only have changed my mindset with God's Word and God's help. I have blogged about this in an older post here but I just felt like someone needed to read this today.

God's word says that He is our Father. He knew you before you we were born. You are a unique individual, created in God's image and likeness. He formed you in your mother's womb. He saw you and declared that you are very good. He is with you every single day. His thoughts towards you are thoughts of good, not of evil. He loves you with an unconditional love that nothing can take away. He loves you so much that He sent His son to die for you because - guess what? You are worth it! You are so valuable to God that even the hairs on your head are numbered. He has invested His time, gifts and talents in you, so you don't need to compare yourself with anyone else. He has kept you and preserved your life thus far, and He has great plans for you.

The voice telling you negative things about yourself is the enemy. You can choose not to believe it. Instead fill your mind with the positive words of love and affirmation that God has spoken concerning you. With time, you will start to believe in what God has said about you. Don't let low self-esteem hold you down any longer. Start believing in yourself and your worth!

Be blessed!

FG

The Series - In My Dreams It Was Simpler

Synopsis:

Six intelligent and vivacious ladies - Lola, Funmi, Titi, Dolapo, Temmy and Maureen are a tight group of friends. They have been through many ups and downs together, from their pre-university days to the present time as young career women. They constantly have to deal with the measures of success - striking the perfect balance in all aspects of their lives - careers, relationships, cultural expectations, friendships, moral dilemmas and the demands of "having it all".

Then there are the men: Tade - a guy from Temmy's recent past who is now stalking her, Dayo - who Titi is initially reluctant to introduce to her friends because of his age, and Wole who appears to tick all the boxes that Lola is looking for but has a shady past she wants to uncover by all means. They are thrown together in a series of intriguing events and twists, their dreams are shattered, and loyalties are tested to breaking point. Against all odds, the six friends have tried their best to stay afloat, but they don't know what the future holds...

Want to find out more? How will they deal with the situations they face? Will they pull through and become stronger? Or will they become victims of circumstances they cannot control?

Find out more about the series by clicking here: In My Dreams It Was Simpler

Flash Fiction - I'm Leaving

My arm stopped moving in mid-air. The tea spoon clattered onto the kitchen floor, and I dropped the teapot. I heard it smash and saw the broken pieces scatter around my feet.

"You said what?"

"I love her Amy," Dave repeated. "I'm leaving you and the kids."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. As if I was paralysed, I watched Dave pick up his travelling bag and walk out, closing the front door quietly. I hated that. I wished he had slammed the door. That would have given me some sense of finality.

I crumpled in a heap.

(c) TP 2009

On Life: My.First.Rejection.Letter

I got my first rejection letter from a publisher yesterday. It is a rite of passage for every aspiring author :) In fact I got a text from my published writer friend to say congrats! Apparently it means I am now a real writer! lol.

As far as rejection letters go, this one's not too bad actually. The publisher said "Unfortunately with the publishing industry in it's current state, I felt your novel would not be commercial enough". I want to remain positive, so I will take that to mean the novel was not completely rubbish, and her rejection is simply down to economics and timing. I've heard of editors giving some really funny reasons for rejecting a novel to the tune of "Do yourself a favour and don't give up the day job"! So FG will pick herself up and carry on. As someone else said, it can only mean I'm one step closer to meeting the right publisher.

The fear of rejection was one of the things I was so worried about when I first decided to start writing, but I think I've had to see it as one of the things that come with the business side of writing, and not take it personally. Even the most successful authors who have won long lists of awards for their writing had to face rejection at some point. Determination and resilience is an essential strength to have in this game, and a thick skin is also very useful!

On to other news:

To say a big thank you to our readers and supporters, we are running a competition and giveaway for the next three weeks on our series blog! Check it out! This is the first one and entries will close on Monday the 14th. There will be two more competitions and prizes until Christmas, so make sure you click over to the blog now and enter. You could be a winner!

Hope you enjoy the rest of the week and have a great weekend ahead.

FG

Short Story - Boy Meets Girl

Daniel paced up and down the long corridor, his hands tucked deep into his pockets. His face was lined with worry and he had a dishevelled air about him as if he had dressed up in a hurry, which he had. His mobile phone had gone off around midnight, waking him up and confirming the moment he had been dreading. Frantic, he had grabbed the keys to his flatmates car and rushed out, hoping he wouldn’t run into trouble with the law on his way.

He had arrived at the hospital quickly and shown to the East Wing. He had now been standing outside the ward for more than forty-five minutes. The medical staff occasionally shot him a sympathetic look without breaking their stride as they walked in and out of the rooms. The corridor smelt faintly of disinfectant and medicines. He shivered with a mixture of fear and anticipation. He hated waiting, and he hated hospitals.

While he waited, he read the health information posters on the walls again. One of them was about maintaining a healthy Body Mass Index. He considered his own tall, lanky frame and decided he was in the healthy range. There were other posters about smoking, heart disease and others but he soon lost interest. He looked at his watch again. It was just past one in the morning.

A few months ago, when Sarah had first told him she was pregnant, he had been completely taken aback. He was absolutely sure that he was not ready to face this responsibility. He remembered that she called him early one evening as he was leaving the campus.

“I need to talk to you Dan” she had said. “It’s very important”
“I’ve just finished my afternoon lecture and I have football in about half an hour” he replied. “I’ll call you when I’m done”
“No, this can’t wait” She insisted. “I need you to come over to my place now”.

Something in her tone made him change his mind. When he heard the news, he had slumped onto her bed, his face ashen.

“How come this happened?” was all he could utter.
Sarah stared at him incredulously. “What do you mean ‘how come this happened?’ when we have been back together for six months?”
Daniel sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn’t need this right now. How could he be having a baby with his on-and-off girlfriend? They were not even sure of themselves yet, so how could they raise a child?
“It’s just…” he paused nervously. “It’s completely wrong timing”
“Well I’m not exactly thrilled about it either!” Sarah said, raising her voice. “Do you think I planned this to happen?”
She paused and added: Just last week, my mum said she was glad I got through high school without getting pregnant! And now this.”
“Are you sure?” he asked again.
“Yes I’m sure, I took the test three times” Sarah replied.
He looked up and asked her: “Are we going to do this?”
She nodded. “I’m not going to get an abortion”. And that was it.

Slowly the realisation had set in. After four months, Sarah put her studies on hold, left the university campus and went back home to live with her mother. His routine on campus had carried on undisturbed except for the telephone calls and occasional visit to see Sarah. They had talked and argued a lot over the past few months. She was sure they could raise a baby with the help of their parents while they continued studying. He could foresee a lot of problems, but Sarah would not have it any other way. During one of his visits, their argument had become so heated that Sarah’s mum stepped in and sent him away, asking him not to come back until the baby was born. She was the one that had rung him tonight to say Sarah was now in the hospital.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the door to Ward 256 opened, and a midwife poked her head out.
“Daniel Cooper? They are ready for you now, come in.”
He held his breath as he stepped in. The room was bright and modern, and he felt a little intimidated by the two other women there. Then his eyes took in the sight of Sarah, his girlfriend, sitting up in one of the beds, with a tiny baby wrapped in a white blanket in her arms.
“Go on” the midwife urged. “I’ll be back in a few minutes”. She stepped out of the room and shut the door.
Sarah turned her head towards him and smiled weakly. Her hair was messy, and her face was devoid of make up, making her look much younger and rather vulnerable. She looked tired and overwhelmed by the experience she had just been through. He smiled back at her as he approached the bed.
“Are you alright?” he whispered.
“Yeah, I guess” she said slowly.
Daniel shifted from one foot to the other, unsure of himself.
“How about the baby?” he asked nodding towards the bundle in her arms.
“It’s a girl” Sarah said, looking down at the little face.
Daniel moved nearer to take a closer look.
“She’s beautiful” he breathed.
“Yes she is” Sarah smiled. “Here, do you want to hold her?”
Daniel nodded and held out his arms. He felt his throat tighten as Sarah placed the warm little body in his arms.
His baby daughter looked at him with curious blue eyes and made little baby sounds.
“She looks just like you”, Daniel said, holding the baby close to himself. “She’s got your eyes”
“Hmmm” Sarah said and winced.
Daniel stared at the little girl again, and stroked her hair. He held out his little finger and the baby grabbed it and held on to it tightly. He felt his heart melt and he knew that, no matter what happened, this little person now meant the world to him.

On Life: When the Bible is Silent

As a Christian, I believe that the Bible is the Word of God and He has put in there guiding principles for me to live my life by. I’m often amazed at how God uses the Bible to speak to me concerning a situation I’m dealing with, or a choice I have to make. Sometimes it’s a direct commandment, sometimes it’s a guiding principle, sometimes I have to discern what to do from the examples of other people’s lives recorded in the bible, sometimes it’s not my choice but my motives that I am reminded to examine. Several times I might have even made a decision and I just read the Bible to know if God approves or not.

But sometimes I know we face choices that the Bible is silent on. Perhaps it’s a situation that is peculiar to our modern society that did not exist in biblical times. Sometimes it’s a cultural thing, something that the Jewish people did not agree with, but it’s acceptable in our own culture. Sometimes the Bible doesn’t always give us the answers in black and white and we have to find other means of arriving at our own conclusions.

The other day, I was watching a TV programme about space travel. The scientists on the programme were talking about how much time and money has been spent by the US government on the Space Programme and how Russia, China and some other countries were also dedicating mind-boggling sums of money to space exploration so that they can claim territories on the moon and other planets. There was an argument afterwards as to why we human beings have not finished solving the problems we have on Earth, but we are going to space. Someone mentioned that if we dedicated a fraction of the amount of money we have spent on space travel to humanitarian causes, we can end world hunger and world poverty. So where does the bible stand on this? Should we be exploring other frontiers, or should we solve one problem before we go and look for more?

I was listening to the radio a few days ago and the speaker was talking about the choice between burial and cremation. Apparently some Christians have been torn between buying expensive land for burials and choosing cremation as a cheaper option. The bible is silent on this topic, but in biblical times, the Jews placed a big importance on burial. Meanwhile the Greeks, Romans and other cultures cremated their dead. The speaker was saying that if we were faced with such a choice today, will the Bible be a conclusive reference? Should we go by the Jewish culture or should we ignore that, especially now that the world is a crowded place and burial land is now at a premium?

Then there are other personal issues like whether or not to have children. The bible does say that we should “go forth and multiply” but nowadays there are more and more couples that make the decision not to have children for valid reasons. Should we say they are wrong? What about the genotype of your future partner, if you find out that you and your fiancée are both sickle-cell carriers? What about the choice between keeping a pregnancy that resulted from abuse or getting rid of it? What about the issue of a choice between staying in a bad marriage and opting for a divorce? What about culture versus Christianity on the issue of polygamy? (Yes there are some Christians that defend polygamy. I was shocked when I found some books and resources where some people argued that many of the great men in the bible were polygamous and God still blessed them). So if that was not God’s plan, why is the bible silent on such a major topic?

Sometimes the issue is not even that the bible is silent, but it seems to contradict itself. There are many passages that suggest the exact opposite of each other. We then have people split into factions, each side quoting the bible to support their stand. Many churches have been split up over issues that the bible does not have a clear answer, for example: female church leaders, polygamy, eating certain foods, what to do with church leaders that sin, and many more. These generate countless questions that we can debate for hours and years but ultimately we have to come to our own conclusions.

I feel that if I come across a question or a choice that the bible does not adequately address, I have to then go to God directly and ask Him what to do and what to believe. I know don’t have all the answers, I don’t have the full picture and I certainly can’t solve all of the world’s problems. I have one way of knowing if I’m taking the right step: peace. If I feel at peace with my decision, then I’m confident that I’m in God’s will. Now it’s not my place to impose my own view or my own choices on other people for what works for me is not necessarily what will work for everybody. Only God sees all and knows all. I’ll let Him be the judge.

Short Story - Lunch Break

Joan was walking along the High Street during her lunch break. It was a lovely day, summer was finally on its way after the grey and dreary winter and a wet spring season. She was in a good mood this afternoon. She was a month into her new job as the fashion buyer for one of her favourite high street fashion stores, and she was enjoying every minute of it.

Earlier, she had held a meeting with four up and coming designers who were desperate to get their clothes into her store. The designers had brought the best picks of the new summer collection into her office and she got to pick and choose which items her store would stock. She loved the power it gave her. It meant the designers were willing to give her tons of free outfits if she could get their clothes to the shop floor.

She walked past the café where she usually bought her lunch and paused outside for a second. She decided to try something different today. A new sandwich and salad bar had just opened at the end of the street. She quickened her pace and crossed the road.

The bar was buzzing with the usual media and fashion crowd on their lunch break. She went up to the counter to see what they had to offer. As she was scanning the menu, she heard a voice that made her freeze.

“Joan?”

It was Alex, her ex-boyfriend. He was her ex-fiancé actually. Of all the things that could happen to ruin her day, this ranked among the worst.

“Er, hi Alex” she managed to say with a forced smile.

“Fancy bumping into you here!” he said, confidently walking towards her.

“Yes, I just came to get some lunch”

“That’s great” he said. He was close now; close enough for her to smell his aftershave. It was so familiar, she felt drawn to it. But she took a step back. This was Alex after all, the guy she had spent the last five months crying over. Their break-up had been messy and just when she thought she had finally gotten over him, they had bumped into each other two weeks ago at a friend’s party. She did not know whether it was the alcohol or something else, but Joan had lost her senses that night and fallen for Alex again. All she remembered was, she woke up in his bed the next morning. Hating herself more than she hated him, she had hurriedly scribbled a note for him and fled his flat in panic.

Seeing his face again brought all the humiliation and pain back. Then she realised he had asked her a question.

“Sorry?”

“I asked if you worked nearby” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes I do” she said, trying to keep her voice level. It seemed to have morphed into a high-pitched squeak. “What about you?”

“Oh I work nearby too” he smiled smugly, like he had won an argument. “I actually own this place”

“Oh” Joan said, the words catching her by surprise. “Well…”

“I’m glad you could drop by” he interrupted her. “Perhaps you’ll have lunch here everyday? You could win a date with the owner, you know?” Then he gave her a wink and a wicked smile.

Hearing those words, Joan’s stomach twisted into a knot. She shook her head and ran out of the bar. The afternoon’s brightness did nothing to cheer her up as she ran back to her office, trying to hold back her tears.

On Life: I Like Being Me

She was my friend, from way back in secondary school. Back then I was an awkward, insecure teenager not sure of who I was. She was the pretty and popular one, the confident one, the one with all the social skills. Everyone liked her – from the principal, to the staff and to the students. Everyone wanted to be her friend. I was the painfully shy and quiet one that hardly ventured out of my shell and the few close friends I had. I used to wish I was like her, I wished I had some of her beauty and her popularity. Fortunately, I wasn’t jealous of her and she was a very nice girl, so we got on brilliantly in spite of our obvious different personalities. We were very close friends throughout secondary school days; we had secret codes that only two of us could understand. She was the only person I could willingly allow to read my diary, which is saying a lot as I was quite a guarded person back then.

We remained friends after secondary school. We even went to college together, becoming friends with another girl and together the three of us formed a close knit group. After college I came to the UK to study and she remained in Nigeria, but we still kept in touch. The distance was never a problem, she came over once a year and a simple phone call was all it took for us to resume our friendship where we left off.

Okay, fast forward to last week. I logged onto yahoo messenger and she was online so we started chatting. We had been talking about normal girly stuff for a bit when I mentioned that I cut my hair off cos I wanted to start over and that’s when the conversation changed.

She said: “I don’t have the courage to do half of the things you do”

I was like “What? What things?”

She said: “You do brave things. Like cutting your hair and starting over. I could never do that”

I said: It wasn’t a big deal. I just didn’t like my permed hair anymore”

She said: “It’s not just that. You travel a lot, you eat all kinds of foods when you travel, and you quit your job to become a writer”

I said: “lol, that’s just me becoming more adventurous”

She said: “I wish I was like that. You’re my role model”

I can’t remember what I typed next cos in my mind I was like “REALLY!”

Thinking about our conversation later, something interesting struck me. I couldn’t believe that I had spent a lot time when I was younger wishing I was more like her, but all the while she was wishing she was more like me! It was quite a revelation to me that she could even think of me as her role model, something I had never even imagined myself to be, except maybe to my little sisters.

I’m glad I’m no longer that awkward, insecure teenager. I am now secure in who I am. It’s such a blessing to realise that I am the best person to be. God made me, ME for a reason and I’m not meant to be trying to be anyone else. It’s when I stop trying to be someone else that I appreciate who I am. And that’s when I find out other people want to be like me.